Information from Support Groups
Valuable Resources and Helpful Materials
Numerous organizations offer support in many different ways including conferences, magazines and materials, chapter groups and other resources, all of which have proven invaluable to us. When Charles and I attended a conference of Compassionate Friends - a national nonprofit support organization for bereaved parents - I took copious notes in several workshops. Both of us benefited greatly from the thoughts of the presenters, as well as the powerful comments made by other parents.
My Workshop Notes
• It’s comforting to be surrounded by a large number of people who are also grieving. Every time you turn, you look into compassionate faces that say, “I know.” And they really do.
• Everybody here is at a different place on this journey.
• At first you feel like you’re covered in lead. That’s how bad it is. You can’t move at all. You keep chipping at the lead until a little of it pops off. After a while you can move your arms and legs a little. As the years go by, you manage to get more of the lead off. But you can never remove all the lead.
• If you have pictures of your child at home, and it’s too hard for other family members to look at them, put several in one place where others don’t have to go or look. Then you can see the pictures when you wish.
• Always, most anytime, something can throw you right back to where it happened – the call, the shock, the pounding sobs. You never stop going back to that time that changed your life forever. But you don’t go back so often. You go back less and less.
• Do what you can for other family members who are grieving. In time, you’ll have some hours, some days that bring a touch of sunshine into your heart. When others are having a lighter hour, a bit of spark in their walk or eyes, don’t let your tears weigh them down. Go where they won’t see you cry. When both you and others are down, you can cry together; when you are all a bit lighter, you can lift each other.
• Don’t expect your spouse to be your constant source of strength. Give each other space. When you work on your own grief, when you help yourself cope, you’ll be helping your spouse as well.
• Your spouse is a gift. Before your children, there were just the two of you. Try to focus on the gift you have in your spouse. Value your marriage. You have lost enough.
• Grief can make you do strange things, but doing strange, harmless things can sometimes help.
• The world is still a beautiful place.
Helpful Notes from Others
• Friends and loved ones will write special notes that lift your heart. Place those notes where you’re likely to pick them up and read them again – and again. Hold fast to those handwritten words that provide promise for better days to come. I still have the note my friend, a news editor in another city, wrote:
Dear Darby, I heard the sad announcement of your son’s death at our press club meeting in Raleigh, and I’m writing to express my deepest sympathy. I understand that Jon was cheerful and magical. As you may or may not know, we lost our 14-year-old son ten years ago. At the time, others who had experienced grief said to me: “Be strong” and “It gets better.” I hated that. So I grieved and I grieved. But they were right. We are at peace with our loss now and leading a fruitful, happy life. I hope the same for you and your family, and I will be thinking of you.
Encouraging Words from Compassionate Friends
• I have read many CF publications featuring encouraging articles and the comforting stories of other parents. You'll see your own struggles in theirs. Check with this organization for information on conferences, support groups in your area, online resources and other helpful materials (www.compassionatefriends.org).
• Melody Beattie, a mother writing about “Braving Today,” says sometimes the best we can do is “hunker down, protect ourselves, survive and stumble through the really tough times.” There were times, she said, “when simply going to the grocery store took as much out of me as climbing a mountain did.”
• Mary Auger, Founder, CF Chapter, Valley Forge, PA: “We are not showing our children less love by recovering. Find a project, a cause, a charity, a task to which you can devote your energy. Get involved with life again as a memorial to your child.”
Three CF speakers profoundly touched my heart with their wise and unforgettable counsel:
• Darcy Sims told how her five-year-old daughter remembered her brother during grace at the table one day. “Thanks for the little while,” the little girl said. Those words from the sister who gratefully acknowledged the “little while” she had shared with her brother challenged me to be more grateful for my “little while” with my son Jon. Darcy also suggested, “Don’t say you’ve ‘lost” a child. You will never lose that child. You have had a miracle in your life and his stay will never end. Focus on the love that forever connects.” At the end of her talk, she challenged each of us to throw away one terrible memory in the trash container by the door as we left. When I walked out, I threw away my memory of that horrible ventilator. It’s gone from Jon’s throat forever.
• Rich Elder challenged us to balance our memories. “Choose what you remember. When the hurt comes, strike back with a memory of laughter.” He also said that the only good that can come from the death of a child is the person you become for the rest of your life.
• Dr. Bob Baugher led a session on crying. “Grief takes as long as it takes,” he said. “And there’s no such thing as crying too much."
I'm especially grateful to have a truly compassionate friend in my husband Charles. Charles says when we keep doing what we can to make the world a better place, we're keeping the faith. He thinks it's good to get involved in a good cause, one that allows you to learn about new things and meet new people. "Have the best day you can have," he often says to me in the mornings.
More tips from Charles:
• It's helpful to have a pet to talk with when you're sad. Dogs are good listeners; they somehow understand our gamut of feelings.
• Cherish the good people who are alive in your life now.
• We must remind ourselves that our child would not want us to spend the rest of our lives in tears.